Robert Rankin

Far-fetched Fiction, Tall Tales and Old Toot


- Books:

The Antipope (1981)
"'Outside the sun shines. Buses rumble towards Ealing Broadway and I'm expected to do battle with the powers of darkness. It all seems a little unfair...'
You could say it all started with the red-eyed tramp with the slimy fingers who put the wind up Neville, the part-time barman, something rotten [sic]. Or when Archroy's wife swapped his trusty Morris Minor for five magic beans while he was out at the ruber factory.
On the other hand, you could say it all started a lot earlier. Like 450 years ago, when Borgias walked the earth.
Pooley and Omally, stars of the Brentford Labour Exchange and the Flying Swan, want nothing to do with it, especially if thre's a Yankee and a pint of Large in the offing. Pope Alexander VI, last of the Borgia, has other ideas..."

[pb: Corgi 1991, ISBN 0-552-13841-X;]
The Brentford Triangle (1982)
"'Omally groaned. "It is the end of mankind as we know it. I should never have got up so early today" and all over Brentford electrical appliances were beginning to fail...'
Could it be that Pooley and Omally, whilst engaged on a round of allotment golf, mistook laser-operated gravitational landing beams for the malignant work of Brentford Council?
Does the Captain Laser Alien Attack machine in the bar of the Swan possess more sinister force than its magnetic appeal for youths with green hair?
Is Brentford the first base in an alien onslaught on planet Earth?"

[pb: Corgi 1992, ISBN 0-552-13842-8;]
East of Ealing (1984)
"'Ahead, where once had been only bombsite land, the Lateinos & Romiith building rose above Brentford. Within its cruel and jagged shadow, magnolias wilted in their window boxes and synthetic Gold Top became doorstep chees...'
Something sinister is happening east of Ealing. The prophecies of The Book of Revelation are being fulfilled.
Lateinos & Romiith, a vast financial network, is changing all the rules with a plan to bar-code every living punter and dispense with old-fashioned money. A diabological scheme, which would not only end civilisation as we know it, but seriously interfere with drinking habits at the Flying Swan.
Can Armageddon, Apocalypse and other inconveniences of the modern age be stopped by the humble likes of Pooley and Omally, even with the help of Professor Slocombe and the time-warped Sherlock Holmes of Baker Street...?"

[pb: Corgi 1992, ISBN 0-552-13843-6;]
The Sprouts of Wrath (1988)
"Amazing, but true: Brentford Town Council, in an act supreme public-spiritedness (and a great big wodge of folding stuff from a myterious benefactor) has agreed to host the next Olympic Games. The plans have been drawn up, contracts, money and promises are changing hands. Norman's designed some stunning kit for the home team, and even the Flying Swan's been threatened with a major refit (gasp!). But something is very wrong... primeval forces are stirring in ancient places... dark magic is afoot in Brentford and someone maust save the world from overpowering evil...
...Jim Pooley and John Omally, come on down!
This must be the daring duo's toughest assignment yet. No longer can they weigh up the situation over a pint of large at random moments during the day. No, this time, to save the world as we know it, the lads must contemplate -
 nay, undertake - the most horrible, the most terrifying, the heretofore untried - REGULAR EMPLOYMENT!!!"
[pb: Corgi 1993, ISBN 0-552-13844-4;]
The Brentford Chainstore Massacre (1997)
"'Jim took himself to his favourite bench before the Memorial Library. It was here, on this almost sacred spot, that Jim did most of his really heavyweight thinking. Here where he dreamed his dreams and made his plans...'
There is nothing more powerful than a bd idea whose time has come. And there can be few ideas less bad or more potentially apocalyptic than that hatched by genetic scientist Steven Malone. Using DNA strands extracted from the dried blood on the Turin Shroud, Dr Malone is cloning Jesus. And not just a single Jesus, he's going for a full half-dozen so that each of the world's major religions can have one. It's a really bad idea.
In Brentford they've had a really good idea. They're holding the Millenial celebrations two years early to avoid the rush and it promises to be the party of this, or any other, century. Unless, of course, somethin REALLY BAD were to happen..."

[pb: Corgi 1998, ISBN 0-552-14357-X; Cover Art: Ian Murray]

Armageddon: The Musical (1990)
Theological warfare. Elvis on an epic time-travel journey - the Presliad. Buddhavision - a network bigger than God (and more powerful, too). Nasty nuclear leftovers. Naughty sex habits. Dalai Dan (the 153rd reincarnation of the Lama of that ilk) and Barry, the talkative Time Sprout. Even with all this excitemment, you wouldn't think a backwater planet like Earth makes much of a splash in the galactic pond.
But the soap opera called
The Earthers is making big video bucks in the intergalactic ratings race. And alien TV execs know exactly what the old earth drama needs to make the off-world audience sit up and stare: a spectacular Armageddon-type finale. With a cast of millions - inlcuding you! DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL - IT'S GONNA BE A HELLUVA SHOW!"

[pb: Corgi 1991, ISBN 0-552-13681-6; Cover Art: Committee]
[pb: Corgi 1991 (printed 1996), ISBN 0-552-13681-6; Cover Art: Ian Murray]

They Came and Ate Us - Armageddon II: The B-Movie (1991)
"QUIVER AT! horrible demonic stuff oozing out of computer screens!
SHOCK HORROR! Elvis Presley pulling his face off!
GASP AT! a talking brussels sprout!
SEE! Cannibals oon the rampage!
HEAR! Fido the Dog do Frankie Howerd impressions!
SEE! Rex Mundi, Rambo Bloodaxe, Deathblade Eric, Hugo Rune and a cast of millions caught up in Events Beyond Their Control!
THRILL TO! all the loose ends from
ARMAGEDDON THE MUSICAL magically tied up!
WATCH! A comic genius doing the business!

[pb: Corgi 1992, ISBN 0-552-13832-0; Cover Art: ? (not given)]
[pb: Corgi 1992 (printed 1996), ISBN 0-552-13832-0; Cover Art: Ian Murray]
The Suburban Book of the Dead - Armageddon III: The Remake (1992)
The final and much-longed-for part of the stupendous ARMAGEDDON trilogy.
And so it came to pass that on 27 July 2061 in the land of Eden, the money-free Utopia, Rex Mundi did toil mightily in his back garden. And he did excavate a cesspit like untothe one which his wife Christeen - the daughter of God and twin sister of Christ - had been giving him GBH of the earholes regarding the need for therewith.
And verily in the midst of his labours did Rex's spade strike a buried object of not inconsiderable size.
And lo. It were a marble statue of Elvis Presley.
Oh yes siree!
For Elvis looms large here, much to Rex's discomfort. which is further increased when he discovers that the walls of Jericho fell to the strains of 'It's Now or Never' and that David slew the dwarf Goliath wearing blue suede shoes.. When Rex is confronted with the Singular Case of the Purloined Preslina, and the Luminous Order of th Sacred Sprout, he realises things are getting out of control..."

[pb: Corgi 1993, ISBN 0-552-13923-8; Cover Art: Ian Murray]

The Book of Ultimate Truths (1993)
"He had walked the earth as Nostradamus, Uther Pendragon, Count Cagliostro and Rodrigo Borgia. He could open a tin of sardines with his teeth, strika a Swan Vesta on his chin, rope steers, drive a steam locomotive and hum all the works of Gilbert & Sullivan without becoming confused or breaking down in tears. He died, penniless, at a Hastings boarding house, in his ninetieth year.
His name was Hugo Artemis Solon Saturnicus Reginald Arthur Rune, and he was never bored. Hailed as the 'guru's guru', Rune penned more than eight million words of genius including his greatest work,
The Book of Ultimate Truths. But vital chapters of The Book were suppressed, chapters which could have changed the whole course of human history. Now, seventeen-year-old Cornelius Murphy, together with his best friend Tuppe, sets out on an epic quest. Their mission - recover the missing chapters. Republish The Book of Ultimate Truths. And save the world."

[pb: Corgi, 1994; ISBN 0-552-13922-X; Cover Art: Robert Rankin, John Alexander]
[pb: "Das Buch der allerletzten Wahrheiten", Bastei Lübbe, Germany, 1995; ISBN 3-404-24201-7; Cover Art: Ian Murray]
"Er wandelte als Nostradamus über die Erde, als Cagliostro und Rodrigo Borgia. Er konnte eine Sardinenbüchse mit den Zähnen öffnen und alle Werke von Gilbert & Sullivan summen. Sein Name ist Hugo Rune, und er hat das BUCH DER ALLERLETZTEN WAHRHEITEN verfaßt. Brisanter Stoff, der die Welt verändern könnte - würde er veröffentlicht. Und genau das ist das Ziel von Cornelius Murphy und seinem zwergenhaften Freund Tuppe. Ihre hehre Absicht dabei: die Rettung der Menschheit! - Was auch sonst?
Wirklich nicht nur für Science-Fiction-Leser, sondern für alle, die die Zusammenhänge kennenlernen wollen zwischen dem Mysterium der Zeit, dem Papst und einer Tasse Texx (wahlweise Kaffee), zwischen Shakespeare und Stepehn King, zwischen Kugelschreibern mit Werbeaufdruck und der hohen Selbstmordrate, und für alle diejenigen, die wissen wollen, warum im Herbst soviele tote Igel auf den Straßen liegen."

Raiders of the Lost Car Park (1994)
"Cornelius Murphy and his tiny companion Tuppe, the stuff of epics and so forth, have a plan: enter the Forbidden Zones, rescue Hugo Rune (mage, inventor, close personal friend of Einstein, author of The Book of Ultimate Truths and father to Cornelius) and find some of the boundless wealth reputed to be stored there.
The freed Hugo Rune now reveals his own agenda. He must overthrow the hideous powers within the Forbidden Zones. These are fairies no less, and their evil king is someone even more legendary than Elvis Presley himself!
In a scheme that involves kidnapping the Queen while she addresses the world before a concert performance by Gandhi's Hairdryer (the world's greatest rock band), Rune and his gang of followers (including Polly Gotting, former assistant to master detective Inspectre Sherringford Hovis) ricochet from one potential disaster to another."
[pb: Corgi, 1994; ISBN 0-552-13833-9; Cover Art: Ian Murray]
[pb: "Jäger des verlorenen Parkplatzes", Bastei Lübbe, Germany, 1995; ISBN 3-404-24204-1; Cover Art: Ian Murray]
"Cornelius Murphy und sein Freund Tuppe haben einen ganz einfachen, schlichtweg genialen Plan: Eindringen in die Verbotene Zoen, Hugo Rune retten und etwas von den unermeßlichen Schätzen abstauben, die dort herumliegen! Verbotene Zonen gibt es überall: Zwischenreiche, in denen die Kugelschreiber verschwinden, die man gerade eben nochgehabt hat, in denen die Parkplätze zu finden sind, die gerade eben noch frei waren - und in denen diese und andere Schätze gehortet werden von bösen Mächten, Zauberern und Feen. Am schlimmsten ist ihr König, der noch legendärer ist als Elvis Presley. Um ihn zur Strecke zu bringen, ersinnt Hugo Rune einen gefährlichen Plan: Er will die Königin von England während eines Konzerts der weltberühmten Rock-Gruppe GANDHISFÖN entführen. Dabei kommen ihm ausgerechnet Cornelius und Tuppe - und natürlich Prinz Charles - in die Quere..."

The Greatest Show Off Earth (1994)
"Raymond's had a rough couple of days.
Snatched from his allotment by a flying starfish from Uranus and sold as a delicacy in a Venusian food market, it seems like his luck has changed when he is rescued by the travelling circus.
But then this isn't an ordinary circus; this is the circus of Professor Merlin, which drifts between the planets in a Victorian steamship. A circus whose artistes perform the feats that simply can't be done. And the professor has a little job for Raymond. Release the two hundred people held captive on Saturn and save Planet Earth from extinction by Friday.
Raymond's best friend Simon has been having a rough time too. Hunted by the men in grey, Simon is falsely accused of being a serial killer and is thrown into the clutches of the sinister B.E.A.S.T. (an End Times cult that worships the demonic half-man half-chicken, Sate-Hen). Even with the book from the future and those villagers with the flaming torches to help them out, getting things sorted out by Friday could be cutting it fine..."
[pb: Corgi, 1995; ISBN 0-552-13924-6; Cover Art: Ian Murray]
[pb: "Die grösste Show jenseits der Welt", Bastei Lübbe, Germany, 1996; ISBN 3-404-24210-6; Cover Art: Ian Murray]
"Raymond hat Pech gehabt. Zuerst wurde er von einem fliegenden Sternenfisch[sic] vom Uranus gekidnappt und dann auch noch als Delikatesse auf dem Venusianischen Exoten-Markt verkauft. Doch nun scheint sich sein Glück zu wenden: Er wird von einem viktorianischen Weltraumzirkus gerettet. Allerdings ist es kein normaler Zirkus, den Professor Merlin da führt und der auf einem viktorianischen Dampfschiff zwischen den Sternen laviert. Seine Artisten vollbringen Kunststücke, die eigentlich nicht vollbracht werden können. Und auch für Raymond hat der professor einen Job: Er soll die Erde retten (was auch sonst), der man die Luft abzudrehen droht, um sie in ihrem eigenen Müll ersticken zu lassen..."

The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived (1995)
"If your taste is for a tender romance, taut with passion and desire, love and betrayal, then this raging stonker of a novel, bursting out of its leather pants with sex, scandal, murder, mystery, suspense, drama, action, adventure and Mad Car Disease, probably won't be for you. Sorry.
Norman's most definitely dead. His dad fell out of the sky and flattened him. And as Norman didn't want any regular full-time employment before he died, he certainly doesn't want any now. Especially not here at the Universal Reincarnation Company. There are far too many filing cabinets and far too much paperwork. Not that it's the company's fault. The blame really lies with God. If He hadn't desided to close down Hell, then Heaven wouldn't have got too overcrowded and there would have been no need to built the extension. And until the extension is finished, the URC will just have to keep on recycling all those souls in the big queue.
But there's something very wrong at the URC. Someone, it seems, has learned how to beat the system. Someone is
pre-incarnating. Being reborn again and again on their original birthdate. And just imagine if you could do that. You'd be The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived. Or you'd be the very Devil himself."

[pb: Corgi, 1995; ISBN 0-552-14211-5; Cover Art: Ian Murray]
[pb: "Der wundersamste Mann, der jemals lebte", Bastei Lübbe, Germany, 1996; ISBN 3-404-24216-5; Cover Art: Ian Murray]
"Norman ist tot, zermanscht von seinem eigenen Vater. Und obwohl sich Norman zu seinem Todeszeitpunkt dämonischen Praktiken hingegeben hat, kommt er in den Himmel, genauer: in die URG, die Universale Reinkarnationsgesellschaft. Seit Gott beschlossen hat, die Hölle zu schließen, ist der Himmel nämlich ziemlich überfüllt. Bis die geplante Himmelserweiterung fertiggestellt ist, muß die URG gleißig alle schlangestehenden Seelen recyclen. Doch etwas läuft schief im Himmel: Jemand unterwandert das System und läßt sich stets, mit dem gesamten Wissen seiner Vorleben, in den eigenen Körper pre-inkarnieren. Es ist niemand anders als Hugo Rune, der wundersamste Mann, der jemals lebte, und er hat ganz eigene Pläne mit all den hilflosen Seelen - der Toten und der Lebenden. Nur Norman, Cornelius Murphy und sein zwergenhafter Freund Tuppe können ihn vielleicht noch aufhalten...
Ein neuer Reißer von ROBERT RANKIN, Bestsellerautor aus Großbritannien, dem Land des Rinderwahnsinns. Doch wie immer ist der Autor - die renommierte
Times reiht ihn zwischen DOUGLAS ADAMS und TERRY PRATCHETT ein - auch diesmal seiner Zeit voraus. In diesem Buch erfahren Sie alles über eine neue gefährliche Seuche: den AWS, den AUTOWAHNSINN. Sind Sie wagemutig? Dann lesen Sie diesen Roman. Sie werden schon sehen, was sie davon haben!"
The Garden of Unearthly Delights (1995)
It was something to do with the cycles of history. The way great civilizations rise and fall. Golden ages and dark ages. Things of that nature.
Few people noticed it at first. The changes. They were subtle to begin with. Like when the Leader of the Opposition challenged the PM to step outside and settle things man to man. And the PM agreed. Or the way the baked ham rose up against Dave whilst he was standing in the check-out queue at Budgens. SMall things. But they kept getting bigger.
And by the time everyone realized that something very strange was going on, it was all too late.
The Earth had left behind the age of science and reason and moved once more into a time of myth. A time of legend and heroes. Of romance and wizardry and wonder.
It was a time to take the mother of all giant leaps and enter - THE GARDEN OF UNEARTHLY DELIGHTS"
[pb: Corgi 1996, ISBN 0-552-14212-8; Cover Art: Ian Murray]
A dog Called Demolition (1996)
"Danny's not sad and lonely any more because Danny's got 'the voices'. Well, one voice. It's the voice of his dog. Not that it's a real dog, so Danny made up one for himself. And a fine big dog it is too, with a waggy tail and a nice cold nose. Danny was going to call it princey, but the dog told him its name was Demolition. So that's what Danny calls it.
And the dog's told him other things too. Like how to adjust the bar-code reader in the shop where Danny works so that he can read the lines on people's palms and Danny can see what they're thinking. And which small ads in the comic books to send off to, so Danny can become irresisteble to women, bend others to his will, gain vital inches and
fear no man living.
No, Danny's not sad and lonely any more
Danny's barking mad."
[pb: Corgi 1996, ISBN 0-552-14213-1; Cover Art: Ian Murray]
Nostradamus Ate My Hamster (1996)
They're making a movie in Brentford. It's unlike any movie that's ever been made beofre. All the Hollywood Greats are in it. All the
dead ones anyway. They've got this Cyberstar equipment, you see. A computer system that can generate life-sized moving holograms of famous film stars. The big question is, where did they get it from? Or should the question be WHEN?
Russell's producing the movie. Not that he really knows how to, but he's prepared to give it a go. He's a very nice chap, is Russell, perhaps a bit too nice. He works too hard and he cares too much, and people take advantage of him.
Morgan takes advantage. He tells Russell stories. In fact, if Morgan had never told Russell about Pooley and Omally, Russell would never have spent his lunch-time trying to locate the real Flying Swan. And if he'd never done that, RUssell would never have found out about the alien technology in the Second World War, seen the flying saucer, met Adolf Hitler, heard the voices of God, helped make a movie that would change the future of the entire human race and come within a gnat's testicle of selling his spine to Satan.
[pb: Corgi 1997, ISBN 0-552-14355-3;]
Sprout Mask Replica (1997)
His great-great-grandfather died at the Battle of Little Big Horn. He wasn't with Custer though. He was holding a sprout-bake and tent meeting and went over to complain. His great-grandfather (also a former sprout farmer and man of the cloth) always wore weighted shoes while in the pulpit to avoid any embarrassing levitations during moments of extreme rapture. His grandfather (lay preacher, taste for sprouts) spoke only in rhyming couplets and owned a pig called Belshazzar. His father (an elder in the Sacred Order of the Golden Sprout) practised body-modification in an attempt to win a bet with his brother (a monk). And then there was him.
Can this be a Robert Rankin's autobiography?
He swears that it isn't, but as a self-confessed teller of tall tales, whoever is going to believe him?"
[pb: Corgi 1997, ISBN 0-552-14356-1; Cover Art: Ian Murray]
The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag (1998)
"Henry Doors is the world's richest man. His company, Necrosoft, doesn't just market computer software, it sells immortality.
Billy Barnes is the world's most ruthless individual. When Billy isn't feeding bits of his granny to the voodoo handbag, he's furthering his ambitions: to control Necrosoft and run the planet. His way.
Lazlo Woodbine is the world's greatest private eye. And Lazlo's on the case. Or he will be, as soon as he can persuade the doctor to release him from his staitjacket [sic].
Barry is the world's most famous sprout. He lives in Lazlo's head and he is confused by all the above."

[pb: Corgi 1998, ISBN 0-552-14580-7; Cover Art: Robert Rankin, John Alexander]
Apocalypso (1998)
"The Ministry of Serendipity at Mornington Crescent runs everything. And that is everything. When the Ministry learns of a spacecraft that crashed four thousand years ago into the Pacific Ocean, it sends Sir John Rimmer and his élite team of paranormal investigators to recover it. Amongst Sir John's team is Danbury Collins, and Danbury isn't keen. He's seen the movies. He knows how it works: spacecraft is brought up from the depths. Mad alien thaws out. Hell and horror all around. Thousands flee in terror. And a bloddy big explosion at the end. Danbury knows just what should be done. Nuke it, and nuke it now. But will anybody listen? No!
Porrig has inherited a planet, or it might be a bookshop, or it might be a gateway into another world. And Porrig is worried, because he has learned a terrible secret.
But if he told people all about it, would they listen? No!
But perhaps they should, because a spacecraft has been brought up from the depths, a mad alien thaws out, there is hell and horrorall around and thousdands are fleeing in terror. And there is every likelihood of there being a bloody big explosion at the end."

[hb: Doubleday 1998, ISBN 0-385-40943-5; Cover Art: Robert Rankin, John Alexander]
Snuff Fiction (1999)
"Society's plug is about to be pulled, big time. At the stroke of midnight on 31 December 1999, computer systems all over the world will crash and plunge us into chaos.
But so what if it's the downfall of civilization? These things happen. We'll just have to take it to the chin. Or at least up the nose. Because rejoice and give thanks, snuff is making a comeback. And who do we thank for this? Who is the man who brings joy to the nostrils of the nation? The tender blender with the blinder grinder? The master blaster with the louder powder? The geezer with the sneezer that's a real crowd pleaser? Mr Doveston, that's who, and this is his story.
So forget about impending doom and enter the glamorous world of snuff-snorting. Oh, and don't forget to bring a hankie. Things could get a little messy later."

[hb: Doubleday 1999, ISBN 0-385-40944-3; Cover Art: Robert Rankin, John Alexander]
Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls (1999)
"I has always been John Omally's secret ambition to become a rock star. In his youth he mastered air guitar and wardrobe-mirror posting, but he lacked that certain something: talent. But at last an opportunity has arisen for John to get into 'The Industry'. A band called Gandhi's Hairdryer are looking for a manager, so all John has to do is persuade them that he is the new Brian Epstein. It should be a piece of cake. But - and there's always a but - there's something rather odd about this band. Something other-worldly. It might be the lead singer, whose voice has the power to heal. Might she be an angel, perhaps? Or could she be the Devil in disguise? Because, after all, the Devil does have all the best tunes. And this is Brentford.
So forget about millennial madness and the coming of the euro. Boogie on down to Brentford. Tune in to the
Allotment Wall of Sound Turn on to The Brentford Beat and drop the day job. There's a TV here that needs throwing out of a hotel window.
In this, his final offering of the twentieth century, Robert Rankin returns to the town of his birth, the friends of his youth and one of the loves of his life: rock music."

[hb: Doubleday 1999, ISBN 0-385-60056-9; Cover Art: Robert Rankin, John Alexander]
Waiting for Godalming (2000)
"If it's God's will, then who gets the money?
God is dead. He died in mysterious circumstances while on a fishing trip to Norfolk, leaving a wife, three children and a great deal of valuable property.
According to God's last will and testament, he left his beloved planet to his youngest son, Colin. Which seems mightily suspicious as the meek were expecting to inherit it. Colin is all for flogging it off to the highest bidder, a chum of his called Lou Cipher. God's wife is all for calling in a private eye, to expose the truth about her husband's sudden death. And if you're going to call in a private eye, then there's only one man you can call. And that's Lazlo Woodbine.
This could well be the great detective's biggest challenge ever. And with Laz on the case you know you can expect a lot of gratuitous sex and violence, a trail of corpses leading down an alleyway, a good deal of toot being talked in bars and a
really spectacular rooftop ending.
Dallas meets Deuteronomy meets Dirty Harry in a Divine Comedy to out-Apocalypse them all."
[hb: Doubleday 2000, ISBN 0-385-60057-7; Cover Art: Robert Rankin, John Alexander]
Web Site Story (2001)
"They wrote it off as a scare story. The Millennium Bug, the non-event of the twentieth century. But they were wrong, because the Bug was real. Is real. It's a computer virus and it's about to make the deadly species crossover from machine to mankind. The Black Death was spread by rats. But this plague will be spread by a mouse. The computer mouse. And do you know how many different kinds of computer viruses there are? And just what they do? And just what they might do to you if you become infected? No? Then read this book and learn the terrible truth.
Or perhaps you'd rather take a holiday in Brentfordland(R)? Formerly known as Brentford, this Thamesside Shangri-La is now London's first-ever suburban theme park and holiday village. A world of excitement, relaxation and fabulous fun, waiting for you. To find out more, log on to the Brentfordland(R) web site. Just give your computer mouse a wiggle.
Go on.
What harm can it do?"

[hb: Doubleday 2001, ISBN 0-385-60058-5; Cover Art: Robert Rankin, John Alexander]
  The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse (2002)
[hb: Gollancz 09/2002, 336p.; ISBN 0-575-07313-6; Cover Art: ?]
  The Witches of Chiswick (2003)
[hb: Gollancz 08/2003, p.368; ISBN 0-575-07314-4; Cover Art: ?]
  Knees Up Mother Earth (2004)
[hb: Gollancz 08/2004, p.384; ISBN 0-575-07315-2; Cover Art: ?]
  The Brightonomicon (2005)
[hb: Gollancz 07/2005, p.368; ISBN 0-575-07009-9; Cover Art: ?]
  The Toyminator (2006)
[hb: Gollancz 08/2006, p.320; ISBN 0-575-07010-2; Cover Art: ?]

- Authentic Biographic Data:

"Robert Rankin used to inhabit Brentford but now lives in deepest Sussex. Bizarre, compelling, dangerous, challenging, subversive and sexy are all words that have been used to describe his unique and imaginative fiction. Deranged and in serious need of therapy are a few that have been applied to the man himself."
The Brentford Chainstore Massacre)

"Magus to the Hermetic Order of the Golden Sprout, 12th Dan Master of Dimac, poet, adventurer, swordsman and concert pianist; big game hunter, Best Dressed Man of 1933; mountaineer, lone yachtsman, SHakespearian actor and topless go-go dancer; Robert Rankin's hobbies include passive smoking, communicating with the dead and lying about his achievements. He lives in Sussex with his wife and family."
The Antipope)

"Although still appearing to be a man in his early twenties, Robert Rankin was, in fact, born during the first years of Queen Victoria's reign. A retired Tupperware salesman, he now divides his time between wearing old straw hats, collecting whales and commuting between the planets.
And he
still hasn't won the Booker Prize"
The Sprouts of Wrath)

"Robert Rankin was born in Parsons Green. He attended various schools. Blah blah. Went on to study Graphics at Waterman's Art Centre, where he founded Brentford Poets, which soon became the largest weekly poetry group in England. Blah blah blah blah blah. Sexual athlete. Blah? Lives in Sussex. Blah blah blah..."
They Came and Ate Us - Armageddon II: The B-Movie)

"Robert Rankin describes himself as a 'teller of tales' and his work as 'far fetched fiction'. A seminal writer with a fluid style and a prodigious outflow, when once asked by an inspired talk-show host where he got his ideas from, he muttered something about his dog, made his excuses and left."
A Dog Called Demolition)

"Robert Rankin spent nearly five years working in the film industry. All right, so he only hired out props, but he did hire them out for The Elephant Man, Raiders of the Lost Ark and the Star Wars trilogy, which is pretty damn good by anyone's reckoning.[...]"
Nostradamus Ate my Hamster)

"Robert Rankin is an unrependant Luddite, who stubbornly refuses to buy a word processor and still writes his novels longhand, in exercise books. His distrust of computers and all things electronic borders on the manic, and he surrounds himself with Victorian curiosities and a circle of friends only slightly less weird than himself. What his wife has to say about all of this is anyone's guess."
The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag)

"At the age of eight, ROBERT RANKIN was given a conjuring set for Christmas. From that day on he determined that he would eventually pursue a career as a stage magician. His father encouraged this ambition, rewarding his son's amateur performances with a pat on the head and a shilling piece. By the age of twenty-one, Robert Rankin had UKP100 and a flat head. And received his first kicking for retelling old jokes."

"Robert Rankin currently dwells in a converted Second World War pillbox on a disused railway line in Sussex. Here, with a large stock of canned beans, toilet rolls and candles, he awaits the fall of civilization. He wishes to make it known to future generations, that saying 'I told you so' gave him no satisfaction whatsoever."
Snuff Fiction)

"When it comes to rock music, Robert Rankin has been there and would no doubt have bought the T-shirt, if he hadn't spent the money on chemicals instead. During the 1970s he made his bid for rock stardom as lead singer with such bands as Lazlo Woodbine and the Woodbinettes, the Plasma Jets and Ali Dada. Rankin never realized his ambition to drive a Rolls-Royce into a swimming pool, although he did once steer his Morris Minor through quite a big puddle on his way to a pub gig in Penge."
Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls)

"The tragic early death of Robert Rankin during the millennial celebrations in a freak accident involving a chicken and an inadequately earthed hairdryer deprived the world of its leading exponent of Far-fetched Fiction. However, scientists at the Hugo Rune Institute of Bio-technology in Brentford are confident that they can clone Rankin using DNA samples recovered from the chicken. The condition of the hairdryer is said to be 'satisfactory'."
Waiting for Godalming)

"When Robert Rankin embarked upon his writing career in the late 1970s, his ambition was to create an entirely new literary genre, which he named Far-Fetched Fiction. He reasoned that by doing this he could avoid competing with any other living author in any known genre and would be given his own special section in WH SMith."
Web Site Story)

- The newsgroup alt.books.robert-rankin's Still Fairly Rarely Asked Questions.
- Sproutlore, The Now Official Robert Rankin Fan Club


The presented texts may contain copyrighted material. Trademarks are property of their respective owners.
Descriptions taken from cover blurbs.

© 1999-2006 e-mail Uwe Milde

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Last edited on 2006-11-03.