The Compleat Trekwriter

by Tom Holt

(With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan)


As some day it may happen that I write a Trekkie script,
I've got a little list - I've got a little list
Of overused cliches with which it will not be equipped -
They'd none of them be missed - they'd none of them be missed;

There's the temperamental holodeck that's always on the blink,
The telepathic Betazoid who makes a lousy shrink;
The braggart Klingon warrior, with weapons at his hip;
The kid who's still in nappies when he gets to fly the ship -
And the lack of continuity, on which the suits insist -
They'd none of them be missed.

The sacrificial ensign who get beamed down to his doom;
The shapeless evil alien who invades the engine room;
The unexplained anomaly that buggers the controls;
The way our fearless heroes always slip past the patrols,
Then slug it out in fist-fights - well, I'm sure you get the gist.
They'd none of them be missed.

The noises of the engines and the phasers - out in space;
The overloading VDUs that blow out in your face;
The androids and the holograms who yearn to be like us;
The wooden style of acting that's employed by Mr Russ;
The rampant-hormoned captain and the countless girls he's kissed -
They'd none of them be missed

Those countless forehead ridges - you can hear the latex squeak;
The touchy-feely plotlines and the Issue of the Week;
The technobabble particles (they're only found in Trek)
That go to fill the spaces that the writers leave for "tech";
The thought of all those cliches drives you to your analyst;
They'd none of them be missed

Text reproduced with permission.

1999 Uwe Milde

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