Book Signings

by Tom Holt

I've been round this country by rail and by car;
My travels have taken me ever so far.
I've been round these islands by road and by train,
And none of the bookshops will have me again.

So it's no, nay, never,
No nay never no more
That I'll go a-booksigning
No never, no more.

I went into Dillons, some books for to sign;
The shop it was full and the weather was fine.
I sat at my table with grace and aplomb -
But I cleared out that shop like the threat of a bomb,

So it's no nay never [etc]

I went to Carlisle, in the north of this land,
To read from my novel and shake a few hands.
But when I arrived, it was plain as could be,
There were twelve empty chairs, five booksellers and me

So it's no nay never [etc]

I went into Smiths for to sign them some stock,
But all I got there was an unpleasant shock.
"We'd rather you didn't," they said. "It's a fact
That if you write in them, we can't send them back."

So it's no nay never [etc]

It's fun to go touring with rucksack and pen
By vale and by mountain, by river and fen.
But publishers realise, as surely they would,
That it costs them a bomb and it don't do no good -

So it's no, nay, never (etc)

[At least, not for 'Only Human'.]

Text reproduced with permission.

1999 Uwe Milde

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